By A Thoughtful Gentleman.
Boredom is a fickle temptress. She can drive men to the brink of insanity, or she can convince them that writing seemingly irrelevant articles about coats whilst in the dregs of a foul hangover is an awesome idea. Winter is kind of almost upon us, shortly. And as you may or may not have noticed (depending on your geographical proximity to Africa) last winter took a huge dump and wiped it across a large swath of North America. The resultant conditions allowed me to wear every coat which inhabited my front-hall closet. Let me start by asking - How many of you out there can say you have three coats to wear?
If you have more or less than, this article may make you feel uncomfortable.
The first jacket up for review is a black, ¾ length offering from Mexx. Full disclosure, I bought this coat because of the faux-fur that lined the outer brim of the detachable hood caring not for what it offered in terms of winter protection or benefit. That being said, what it did offer in terms of winter protection and benefit was plenty. The outer shell is a blend of polyester and some sort of 'non-textile part of animal origin' whatever the Good God Almighty that means. It is completely water resistant, and the material acts as a wind repellant. The lining was so cozy, that I would often fall asleep in mid-stride, but that's the risk you take with a lining that mixes down and assorted avian feathers. I am 100% confident that there was enough heat contained within my jacket to power a locomotive from Hoboken to the frontier. Oddly enough, the main issue I had with this coat revolved around my self-confidence. I would sometimes catch glimpses of myself in a passing mirror or storefront and it often looked like I was wearing a ladies coat. Which is fine, but if I'm going to be wearing a ladies coat it had better be mink. Also, after the first wash, my faux-fur hood liner transformed from awesome and chic into an opossum with hair like Bob Ross. I usually reserve this coat for shoveling snow under cover of night.
Verdict: Fantastic protection from the cold and winter elements - rain, sleet and snow proof.
If you have no self-confidence or you care what people think of you and are not comfortable with your masculinity, then avoid this number at all cost.
Our second contestant is a crass and sassy black ¾ mid-length winter coat from GAP. It is wool, with a lining that couldn't keep a sneeze from coming through. I'm not sure why I own a wool coat in a country where it precipitates in some shape or form, constantly. I usually wear this coat when it is somewhere between -5 and 10 degrees Celsius. Anywhere over 10 and I'll sweat myself into a methadone clinic, and anywhere south of -5 is inviting hypothermia in for an iced tea. This coat is the bane of my existence. Like an ex that you return to out of desperation, it knows you need it, and it laughs and laughs as you whimper, disgusted in what you've become. It also attracts hair like a barbershop vacuum. I constantly look like I have been in a fight with a late 70's porno.
Verdict: There is absolutely no reason I should still have this coat in my closet, other than to serve as a stark reminder of what not to buy ever again. If you like showing up to work looking like someone dumped a bucket of cat-hair and vegetable barley soup on you, by all means buy this coat. It's tired, worn out and smelly. It's essentially the Darren Rovell of winter apparel.
Lastly, our final entrant – the Foxtech FX-180.
FX is an abbreviation for FOX I imagine, which lends credence to its already legendary levels of bad-assery. This coat has a devil-may-care attitude and it shows it. It has a metallic emblem of a fox on the breast and some sort of shiny, metal doodad on the sleeve. This is a jacket that you can wear whilst participating in all the requisite winter sports: Snowmobiling, Skiing, and Snow-Blowing all your snow onto your neighbour's driveway hoping he doesn't notice. And if he does, look at your driveway quizzically, look at his, back to yours, furrow your brow and deny the whole thing. This is a jacket solely designed to take winter, grab it by its hilarious pony-tail and toss it down a flight of stairs, as you then triumphantly kiss Mrs. Winter on the mouth. I could wear this jacket and stand behind a jet engine in -40 degree weather and my Pina Colada and I wouldn't even flinch. It also has a caricature of a Fox on the pocket so when you walk into bars, people know that you're a snowboarder or that you purchased that jacket at Marshalls because you didn't feel like spending more than $200 on a winter jacket. It may come as a surprise to you, but I pitch a tent in the latter camp.
Verdict: This is a coat that is so dependable I would let it babysit my children, probably for an entire weekend. It is completely water proof, it breathes where it needs to, and it keeps the biting cold out. If you're trying to present an image of responsibility and charisma then maybe you should check out the GAP wool coat buddy. If you're living in the past and trying to reclaim or hold onto some sort of youth, and/or former glory AND you don't like being cold - this is the coat for you.
Bonilla Applebum is currently employed in the Creative Field. Whatever that means. Actually he knows what it means. It means he makes no money, and fights stray dogs in alleyways for food and/or money depending on the wager. Also, an avid supporter of PETA